Archive for September, 2009
Here we go then! The last few days of the countdown till our travels!! One last day at work tomorrow and then that’s it! I have the whole world at my feet!!
I’ve been getting really nervous today, it’s really starting to hit home now how huge this is for me! I think I’ve gone past excitement and I’m now just really nervous and scared! I’ve said my final goodbyes to my dad and my inlaws today and I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet! It’s all a bit sureal. I’m sure it will hit me like a ton of bricks at some point though and turn me into an emotional wreck!
For now, here is a Thought for the day, supplied by my lovely sister…
“You cannot discover new oceans until you have the courage to loose site of the shore!”
It makes a lot of sense to me right now. But even if I do have the courage to loose site of the shore I’m still gonna miss everyone loads!!!!
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Well I’ve had a day off work today and I have literally done everything that I needed to do before we leave to go traveling! I still have one or two last minute things to take care of but most of it’s done now!!
2 more days left at work and that’s me done for the year! I can’t really believe it’s all happening yet! I’m nearly there now! Roll on Friday 
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And what a day its been so far. I feel completely drained. I think my body has just got to this last week and gone enough is enough I cant take anymore!!! I could sleep for a week! I guess its just as well that I have a 10 hour flight to china to sleep on.
Im really starting to feel a huge mixture of feelings now. Im really happy, sad, scared, excited and nervous!! I really need to do this and I honestly cant wait now!! but I don’t want to leave everyone behind for 4 months!! I even had a panic attack this afternoon at work. I went really hot and dizzy and felt really sick! I thought I was going to pass out. Just hope that I can hold it together this week otherwise it mighggt just end up getting a bit too much for me to handle.
Tonight is the last free night that hubby and I have, so we are spending it loading up the car with the last few things to go into storage and were also sorting out what clothes we are taking with us and packing our bags up!! Scary stuff!!!
Luckily I have a day off work tomorrow so im going to sort all the last minute things out like cleaning the car before it goes into storage. I also have my tax return to get in. I always end up leaving stuff to the last minute.
I think I need to write a list tonight of everything that still needs to be done and work my way through it tomorrow.
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How scary does that sound????? OMG!!!!! 1 Week today and I will be on my way to China!!!! 16 whole weeks of freedom!
Im actually struggling to write anything at the moment. I cant really put into words how I’m feeling. Maybe I will just leave this post for now, The past week I haven’t stopped to think about anything, I’ve just kept myself really busy and the next few days are going to be madness as well so I don’t think I have quite taken it all in yet.I feel like i’m in a bit of a daze.
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All it takes to light up the sky above you is one bright star. Last night I was stood in the garden looking up at the sky contemplating the big stuff in life and there was this one very bright star above me. It was as if it had been put there to look down over me to reassure me that everything was going to be ok.
I had a phone call after that from a friend, he had read my last post and he said basically that I shouldn’t worry about what other people think about me and that whoever I am is fine with him and that if my friends and family love me that they will love me for who I am and not who they want me to be. We spoke for a while on the phone and he really cheered me up. I was on a complete downer yesterday. I guess its all getting a bit stressful now that its getting so close.
Little bro… you were my star last night, all it took was some very heart felt words from you and you managed to light up my life for a few short hours. Just as a star lights up the sky! Thank you x x
Thought for the day…
The path is not always easy and at times you will stumble and fall, but the reward of doing so is freedom.
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Crossroads September 22nd, 2009
Well I’ve spent the past 2 years walking down a very long and boring road and I can now see my crossroads up ahead! they are just 11 days away!
Im not sure how I feel about it all really! Im starting to get a little bit scared. I have all this freedom up ahead of me and no instructions to go with it. Im just hoping that this is the right crossroads for me to go down! I know im not happy with life as it is but what if its the best im ever going to get? what if by changing the road im currently walking down I end up walking down one with a whole load of problems instead? I don’t think I have ever felt this confused and felt all these emotions at the same time before. When anything big has happened in my life before like getting married I have never questioned it. I have just gone with what feels right but Im really struggling with this one. I think its because its what it symbolizes. To everyone else they just see it as “Steph is going away for an extended holiday for 4 months” but for me its so much more.
For me this is an end to my life as I know it, Im finally stepping away from a job that I have spent 8 years in feeling trapped. This next bit sounds odd but Im also stepping away from my family and some of the negativity that comes from them sometimes, Im Leaving myself as I am now behind in search of the “True” me. I think im scared about coming back home after the 4 months are up and not being accepted for who I am. I have been shaped into the person I am right now by everyone around me and Im worried they wont like who I really am whoever that may turn out to be.
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This week hubby and I had our leaving party up north with his family. We had a really lovely time, I love going up to see the in-laws they are all really relaxed and chilled out compared to my life down here. As soon as I arrive I start to chill out and the past few times I have been up there I have started to show everyone little glimpses of who I really am which I know sounds strange since I have been with my hubby now for 9 years but I would say that for at least the past 4 years I have put up a defense and become very insular. Not anymore though!! Im going to start braking down the brick wall that I have built up around myself.
Im very lucky to have such great in-laws, I love the fact that we all get on so well. It’s very odd though because now that were leaving for 4 months Im actually starting to feel closer to them.
Only 1 week and 5 days left till we leave now. Its getting really really close!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO
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Happiness September 19th, 2009
Isn’t it weird how you can find happiness out of something that you never thought you could?
I’ve just got back in after a very odd night out! Hubby is working away at the moment and so I had a free night to do what I wanted and I spent it with a 16 year old boy and his mother!!
All very strange really when you think of it like that but I really did have fun. Steve is a bloke that works for me, he started at the age of 15 and will be 17 in a few months, he is very talented and I know that he will go far in his career, in the short time that I have known him he has become like a little brother to me! His family are really lovely people and I’m so glad that I’ve had the opportunity to meet them.
Tonight was one of those nights where no-matter what is going on in your life all that counts is that your around friends and for a few short hours life just seamed a little less F**ked up and the whole world made sense again. I love moments like this!!
love you lots little bro and mummy No.3 
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Just recently I’ve had a few people say to me that I’m the most difficult person to understand that they have ever met. I’m not sure if that is good or bad! I guess Ive had loads of practice of putting up a defence and I’m constantly wearing a “mask” to stop people from reading me! I’m not sure why I do it, I guess I’m just a very private person! I tend to be what people want me to be just to please them and in turn I end up not being true to myself.
I have started to write a book today! It’s something that I have wanted to do for ages but I’ve never made the time to start it. I’ve only written the first page so far but I’m really excited about it and it actually reads fairly well. It’s odd though because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but if you ask anybody that “knows” me if I have ever wanted to write a book they would proberly laugh and reply with something along the lines of “steph!! Write a book? Yeah right!! She’s not like that”
I need to start being true to myself, I’m unhappy for a reason and I need to stop blaming everyone else for me being unhappy! It’s my life and if I’m not happy I need to do something to change it until I am happy. I’m constantly putting my life on hold while I wait for the next big thing to happen! I’m always looking forward to the future and not actually living in the here and now!
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Well last night I had my attuenment for Kundalini reiki and can’t I just tell. It’s been a very difficult first day! It hit me like a ton of bricks and wouldn’t let up all day! I was at work and all I wanted to do was walk away from the place and never return!! It felt very very wrong! Usually I manage to put up a defense when I’m at work and nobody can tell that I hate the place with a passion but today everytime I tried to put my defense up it felt like someone was taking it down!!
It’s been a very tiring day and after 8 hours of work without a break I now have about 2 hours of college work ahead of me! Roll on the next 3 weeks!! I really need a break now! The last couple of weeks I’ve been working 9-10 hour days without a break and I’m completly warn out now!! I could sleep for a week x x
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