Crossroads September 22nd, 2009
Well I’ve spent the past 2 years walking down a very long and boring road and I can now see my crossroads up ahead! they are just 11 days away!
Im not sure how I feel about it all really! Im starting to get a little bit scared. I have all this freedom up ahead of me and no instructions to go with it. Im just hoping that this is the right crossroads for me to go down! I know im not happy with life as it is but what if its the best im ever going to get? what if by changing the road im currently walking down I end up walking down one with a whole load of problems instead? I don’t think I have ever felt this confused and felt all these emotions at the same time before. When anything big has happened in my life before like getting married I have never questioned it. I have just gone with what feels right but Im really struggling with this one. I think its because its what it symbolizes. To everyone else they just see it as “Steph is going away for an extended holiday for 4 months” but for me its so much more.
For me this is an end to my life as I know it, Im finally stepping away from a job that I have spent 8 years in feeling trapped. This next bit sounds odd but Im also stepping away from my family and some of the negativity that comes from them sometimes, Im Leaving myself as I am now behind in search of the “True” me. I think im scared about coming back home after the 4 months are up and not being accepted for who I am. I have been shaped into the person I am right now by everyone around me and Im worried they wont like who I really am whoever that may turn out to be.
No Comments
This week hubby and I had our leaving party up north with his family. We had a really lovely time, I love going up to see the in-laws they are all really relaxed and chilled out compared to my life down here. As soon as I arrive I start to chill out and the past few times I have been up there I have started to show everyone little glimpses of who I really am which I know sounds strange since I have been with my hubby now for 9 years but I would say that for at least the past 4 years I have put up a defense and become very insular. Not anymore though!! Im going to start braking down the brick wall that I have built up around myself.
Im very lucky to have such great in-laws, I love the fact that we all get on so well. It’s very odd though because now that were leaving for 4 months Im actually starting to feel closer to them.
Only 1 week and 5 days left till we leave now. Its getting really really close!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO
No Comments
Happiness September 19th, 2009
Isn’t it weird how you can find happiness out of something that you never thought you could?
I’ve just got back in after a very odd night out! Hubby is working away at the moment and so I had a free night to do what I wanted and I spent it with a 16 year old boy and his mother!!
All very strange really when you think of it like that but I really did have fun. Steve is a bloke that works for me, he started at the age of 15 and will be 17 in a few months, he is very talented and I know that he will go far in his career, in the short time that I have known him he has become like a little brother to me! His family are really lovely people and I’m so glad that I’ve had the opportunity to meet them.
Tonight was one of those nights where no-matter what is going on in your life all that counts is that your around friends and for a few short hours life just seamed a little less F**ked up and the whole world made sense again. I love moments like this!!
love you lots little bro and mummy No.3 
No Comments
Just recently I’ve had a few people say to me that I’m the most difficult person to understand that they have ever met. I’m not sure if that is good or bad! I guess Ive had loads of practice of putting up a defence and I’m constantly wearing a “mask” to stop people from reading me! I’m not sure why I do it, I guess I’m just a very private person! I tend to be what people want me to be just to please them and in turn I end up not being true to myself.
I have started to write a book today! It’s something that I have wanted to do for ages but I’ve never made the time to start it. I’ve only written the first page so far but I’m really excited about it and it actually reads fairly well. It’s odd though because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but if you ask anybody that “knows” me if I have ever wanted to write a book they would proberly laugh and reply with something along the lines of “steph!! Write a book? Yeah right!! She’s not like that”
I need to start being true to myself, I’m unhappy for a reason and I need to stop blaming everyone else for me being unhappy! It’s my life and if I’m not happy I need to do something to change it until I am happy. I’m constantly putting my life on hold while I wait for the next big thing to happen! I’m always looking forward to the future and not actually living in the here and now!
1 Comment
Well last night I had my attuenment for Kundalini reiki and can’t I just tell. It’s been a very difficult first day! It hit me like a ton of bricks and wouldn’t let up all day! I was at work and all I wanted to do was walk away from the place and never return!! It felt very very wrong! Usually I manage to put up a defense when I’m at work and nobody can tell that I hate the place with a passion but today everytime I tried to put my defense up it felt like someone was taking it down!!
It’s been a very tiring day and after 8 hours of work without a break I now have about 2 hours of college work ahead of me! Roll on the next 3 weeks!! I really need a break now! The last couple of weeks I’ve been working 9-10 hour days without a break and I’m completly warn out now!! I could sleep for a week x x
No Comments
It could be worse but right now things are looking good!! I’ve just decided to take things for what they are!! Life is far too confusing otherwise! If I just go with the flow then it should be a lot easier! I make it very difficult for myself sometimes!
Right then! The new positive steph is back!!! I have fantastic friends and family and I’m off traveling in 3 and a half weeks!! Life couldn’t be much better!!!
No Comments
Well, shall I post another rant or not? All I seam to be doing lately is ranting about something or another!! I think it’s time that happy steph comes back!! I’ve been on an emotional rollercoster the past year or two and even more so in the past 2 weeks. I’m guessing it will get worse over the next few weeks leading up until we go so I’m pre warning everyone now lol. Oh and thanks to all my close friends and family for trying to keep me sane over the past few weeks! Sorry for being a pain love you all.
No Comments
Well its official… We have made it to our 2nd anniversary!! god only knows how. Someone said today that we have made it look very easy. I guess we do but it has defiantly not been the easiest of 2 years. Still if we can get through the past 2 years the next one will be a breeze. Love you lots andy x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
No Comments
Well that’s another day nearly over and it means that I’m one day closer to my trip of a lifetime! It’s odd though because the closer I get to it the more I just want it to be over and done with so that I can come back and start living! I know that sounds odd and I’m really not wishing my life away honestly but things have been really unsettled lately and after 2 years living at my parents house and living for the future I can’t wait to just finish this chapter in my life and get home from traveling, buy a house and just live the simple life for a while one day at a time and enjoying it!
I think I’m actually looking forward more to coming home from my trip and starting a new life for myself, new home, new job, hopefully a new outlook on life and I’m hoping that at some point during this trip that I will find myself and work out what my role on this earth actually is! So far in my life I’ve pretty much been told what to do, how to feel etc and I have just about had enough of it! I can’t believe I’m having to go to the other side of the world just so that I can get away from everything in order to find myself! Most people go traveling to see the world and end up “finding” themselves while they are there! For me I think it’s more that I need the time and space away from all the influences in my life right now so that I can “find myself” and if I happen to see some of the world at the same time then it’s a bonus!! I said to my hubby the other day when he was talking about all the places that we were going to that I don’t actually care where we go! All I want right now is to just disappear for a few weeks to a desert island all by myself and just take a deep breath and relax!!
Why does life have to be so complicated? Why is it that everything I try to do turns out to be so difficult? Life has a funny way of helping you out sometimes! I know I don’t really have that much cause to complain! If you look at the bigger picture my life compared to some is very very good! My god there are people on this earth that are really suffering and I do understand that and I am very thankful for everything that I have but I seam to have this constant battle with life at the moment!! What have I done that is so bad to constantly be punished!! Honestly everything I do just lately I seam to get knocked back by a ton of bricks five times over until I finally manage to break through it and come out the other side just to come up against a brick wall with something else!
On another note it’s my 2nd anniversary tomorrow! I can’t believe it’s been 2 whole years! The sad thing is though that apart from the odd holiday hubby and I have been on together I can’t actually remember the past 2 years all that well. It seams like it’s just past me by. I think I’ve spent so much of it dreaming of the future that I just switched off to my life and have just got through it the best that I could. This next year though is going to be amazing!!!! I’m not going to miss a minute of it!!!
No Comments
Well maybe not orange but it’s definatly bright!! 5 weeks today and I will be on a plane on my way to china! Woooohoooo it’s nearly here!!!!! Im soooo excited!!! Just really need the break now.
No Comments